I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
