He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
