I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
