wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
