sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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