just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
