i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
