The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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