He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
