chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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