just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
