Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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