I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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