Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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