Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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