omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
