I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
