and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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