don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
