She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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