Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
