toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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