I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
