I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
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