Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
