Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The power of my boobs compel you
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
