He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
