The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
