The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
