She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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