my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Four minutes until I can fart!
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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