Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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