let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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