I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
