Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
