If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
