The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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