you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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