My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
