So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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