They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
