Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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