We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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