Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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