omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
