He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
