My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
