when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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