What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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