I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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