Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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