Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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